What Should I Do with my Life?

I have a very optimized routine. I wake up at 05:45, and by 05:50, I have my gym clothes on. If I had a dream before waking up, I might record it on my voice notes app. Groggy and still drunk on sleep, I wearily descend the cramped stairway of my flat to find a hot pot of coffee greeting me. The previous night, I would have set it to automatically switch on before waking. Grateful for this automated treat, I gulp down two small cups of hot coffee. I then brush my teeth, ridding my mouth of any remotely brown flavor, and head to the car park downstairs to un-rack my bike. I ride to the gym to join other morning people who are disciplined enough to start their day this way.

This I do almost every day.

It gets a bit boring, and sometimes I feel as if I am in a time loop. With my life quite peaceful and stable, it is hard not to find myself pegged to a routine. I am a lover of “the regular.” I still watch The Simpsons seasons one through ten, as I did as a child. It’s hard to unstick yourself from something that works. My routine took years to get right, so I ought not to take it for granted. But it’s relentless. When I get home from work and fulfill the rest of the routine, the next morning beckons menacingly on the horizon. And then I am setting up the coffee pot for 05:45 again. I am Ouroboros, the snake that eats itself. I am the routine; the routine eats me.

So this is our life. Is that it?

It could be.

This can’t be it! Is this what we should be doing?

It is if we think so.

When I escape to the solitude of the bathroom, my reflection reveals things I do not like to see. Under the cold light in the bathroom mirror, rosy cheeks turn to rosacea, indefatigable blackheads cover my nose, and countless freckles dot my arms. Likewise, our own human capacity to reflect reveals uncertainties and gripes about our lives. This causes us pain. But just as pain moves the hand sharply away from a hot stove, reflection compels us to move slowly to a more desirable situation. Your whole life is brought into question when, in those moments, you ask yourself, what should I really be doing?

Recently I read Alan Watts’ Wisdom of Insecurity. It is a small book. It contains a smaller amount of wisdom. In the chapter Transformation of Life, Watts describes the “white man” who only wants to “get results.” He implies that the whole conceit of Western civilization is to fulfill a vision based around results. We get so focused on results that we lose an understanding of life. This understanding is something we might call spiritual development. A tension forms between the spiritual and “results” side.

Watts maintains that we see ourselves as separate units in the world and maintain a false sense of self. Thus, we concern ourselves mainly with career, financial, status, and other “results-based” concerns. So when we ask what we should be doing with our lives, the answer becomes limited to those. We gloss over spiritual development in favor of the results-based vision.

To ask what should I be doing? involves making a choice. We might see a choice like ordering a main at a restaurant. You might shift in your seat and um-and-ah while flipping through the menu. How do I choose what to have? Choices about what to have for life cause greater anguish. Whether to have a baby, for example. If we get this wrong, we perceive, the consequences could be dire.

The stakes in life are high, and the variables unknown. Does there not exist a guide to give exact answers to these questions? At the restaurant, the waiter or waitress could help you choose. They work there, after all. But they don’t know you, and if you use their suggestion, it’s not you making the decision. Tools such as pros-and-cons lists can help, but you are still left to make the decision after you set your pen down. All of these tools—religious texts, self-help tools, advice from others—quickly run up against a limit. Ultimately, you need to decide what’s for dinner.

We should do something different.

We could. What are you thinking?

I don’t know! But doing this routine until we die doesn’t ’t feel right.

Maybe it doesn't feel right now, but-

Right now should be better.

The existentialists, a group of philosophers, frame choice around authenticity. In the age of social media, we think of authenticity as individuals sharing their unrefined lives online. But for the philosophers, it concerns the relationship you have with yourself and your choices. It is a hard concept to explain, mainly because I haven’t had time to read about it properly. But what I do know is that you do not have a predefined essence. Unlike a hammer, whose essence consists of nailing things into walls, a person isn’t made to do anything in particular.

We might have expectations and ideals foisted upon us. If we accept these without question, we deceive ourselves with what Sartre called bad faith. When asking what should I be doing?, we really need to question the should and where it comes from. You have absolute freedom to embrace your choice and what you do.

What should I do with my life? may be hard for you to answer, yet it seems so clear for others. You see your neighbors, your coworkers, your siblings. The answer to them appears straightforward. Their life plans suffice. Why, all I need to do is go to work, pay my mortgage on time, paint the front fence, and so on. Practical pursuits. These are good, and I admire practical people. But such people seem to view the world with a just so attitude. The things they do make sense.

The philosopher Schopenhauer commented on that certain kind of person — the kind who accepts the world at face value. Across his works, he articulates clearly how life is a struggle in which we all strive for something that has no value. People are absorbed in the material world and driven by pursuits in it. You are too. Nonetheless, we all feel an angst about life. There is something beyond what we see. Schopenhauer would urge you to question the spectacle of life and peek behind the curtain. But when it comes to life choices, I like what Sartre seems to say—there is nothing behind the curtain. You choose what goes there.

This article we wrote gives zero helpful advice.

I thought it was helpful.

Well, it didn’t help me at all

Writing it was helpful for me.

What should I do with my life? To ask the question is a mark of privilege. Not having to answer is another. Many people don’t get the opportunity to question things, nor get a choice in the answer. And as youth flees and life closes in, you can lose the opportunity. Then you enter the time loop. But the time loop isn’t all bad. The coffee is good. If you accept the loop, you can enjoy the ride. But if you know it is eating you up, you can break it. For me, I really do not have the answer. But I am answering the question.